Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
