I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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