i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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