3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
