Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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