I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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