glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
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have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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