When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dear god my vagina.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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