If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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