Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
