he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
