I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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