Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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