I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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