i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
