I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
