if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
