worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
