I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
