I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
false alarm, still single
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
