I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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