I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
