My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
