Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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