so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
