he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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