I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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