I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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