I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
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You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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