So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
