Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
