If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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