feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
