I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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