did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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