I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
