shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
