I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
