I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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