Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Randomize
