After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
