So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
