I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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