Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
40s are totally the cure
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
