just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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