He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
