If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
