Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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