Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
