the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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