I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
