Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
