He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
