I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
