dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
